


Vampire Roommates are Forever

by SafetyHazard (ineedapilot)



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: F/M, Humor, M/M, Multi, Pining, himbo nandor, used bookstores
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28409358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineedapilot/pseuds/SafetyHazard
Summary: Nadja and Laszlo help Nandor after Guillermo's departure in the season 2 finale.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja/Nandor the Relentless
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30
Collections: non-denominational winter celebrational fandom gift exchangional extravaganza





	Vampire Roommates are Forever

**Author's Note:**

  * For [UpstartCrow42](https://archiveofourown.org/users/UpstartCrow42/gifts).



Autumn leaves rustle under the moonless sky, several floating down gently to come to their final rest, illuminated only by the sickly yellow light of a streetlamp. Three small shadows flutter past.

"Human form!" The bold shout echoes along the empty street in front of Steve's Used Books, accompanied by three soft _poofs_. The tallest of the caped figures steps forward quickly, planting his large hands against the dull surface of the shop window.

"This is not going to help, Nadja," Nandor moans. "Steve is not even going to be here. It is nighttime!"

Nadja rolls her eyes, striding forward and yanking the larger vampire sideways by the cape. "We are not here to see Steve, you donkey. We're here to look at some books because _you_ need to get out of the house." Nandor responds with a miserable groan, allowing himself to be pulled over to the front door.

"Honestly, my darling, I think it's a lost cause," Laszlo says from behind them. "He's never been in this sorry of a state before."

"It's always worked before, my sweet, so we may as well try." Nadja retorts. "Now come and help me open the door."

"All right, all right." Laszlo steps forward and pulls a toothpick out of his pocket, sticking it into the lock and wiggling it around.

Nadja waits, looking impatiently between Laszlo and Nandor, who is slumped against the wall nearby, eyes fixed on the ground, a doleful shadow in the dim light. The only sound is Laszlo's quiet cursing and the scraping of wood on metal as he continues to pry at the lock with his toothpick.

Eventually, the toothpick snaps, leaving half buried in the tumbler. Laszlo casts a contrite look at Nadja, who frowns in exasperation. They could have planned this better. Spying a bundled-up pedestrian on the other side of the road, Nadja huffs and pushes Laszlo out of the way. "Here, let me."

It's easy to seduce the passerby, a bite of the lip and a wave of a hand. She commands them, "You will smash that door and open it, then invite us inside."

"Anything for you," they say, and a thrown rock and murmured invitation later, Nadja sends them on their way.

An alarm blares when the vampires step into the store, and Nadja shakes Nandor out of his stupor to briefly set the security system ablaze. She narrows her eyes when he puts the fire back out with a limp wave of his hand and returns to staring dully into the middle distance. Starting fires usually perked him up at least a little bit. She shakes her head. Cheering Nandor up might be more difficult than she anticipated.

\--

She'd been surprised at the intensity of Nandor's reaction to little Gizmo running off again. Of course, they were all aware, even Laszlo, of Nandor's affinity for Guillermo - there were only so many shared smiles and silly spats one could sit through before having to acknowledge the obvious.

Still, Nadja hadn't expected quite so much screaming and crying when Nandor discovered the hastily scribbled note in the abandoned closet.

His reaction had certainly shocked the camera crew, who tried desperately to capture the weeping vampire on film even as Nadja rushed them out the door, grimacing apologetically. "Going to have to ask you to leave now, yes, we'll call you when we're ready to film again!"

By the time she closed the door behind the last of the humans, Colin Robinson had materialized in the foyer, regarding them with blazing blue eyes. "What's going on here? I was doing some microfeeding and got hit by a wave of despair. Like having a whole turkey stuffed into your mouth on Thanksgiving."

Nandor had collapsed in the doorway of Guillermo's closet, cloak pooled around him like a yawning mouth swallowing him up. The note was crumpled in his clenched fist as he pounded it on the floor, back heaving with unrestrained sobs.

Nadja rolled her eyes, while Colin walked over and glanced inside the empty closet, then reached out to pat Nandor on the back. "There, the-"

"Shut up, Colin Robinson!" Nandor wailed, jumping to his feet. "I do not want to hear it right now. Guillermo-" he hiccuped, "Guillermo has left me!"

"What's all the ruckus?" Laszlo was standing at the upstairs bannister, looking annoyed. Nadja suspected he'd been watching his old pornos in the attic again. "Gizmo left again," she explained.

Laszlo shrugged blankly, then leaned over the railing to yell at Nandor. "Honestly, old chap, I don't know why you're so upset. It's not as though Gizmo didn't scamper away a few weeks ago looking for a little vampiric shortcut."

"His. Name. Is. Guillermo!" Nandor shouted, stomping for emphasis with each word. He pawed at his eyes with one large hand. "And that was different. He was being stupid, and I...I knew he was going to come back!"

Stepping toward the irate vampire, Nadja tried to strike a conciliatory tone. "Nandor, he wasn't even around for that long. What, like, 3 years? He'll probably be back in a couple of decades anyway. Just look at Benjy. You tossed him aside like spoiled goat's cheese, and he still found his way back here."

Mentioning Benjy was a mistake. "Guillermo is nothing like Benjy!" Nandor bellowed. "He is kind and loyal and...and a good familiar! Now leave me alone!" He stormed off down the hallway and slammed the door to his crypt. An unholy crashing soon emanated from within.

Nadja and Laszlo looked at each other, nonplussed. Colin Robinson peeked into the closet again and whistled. "Gizmo really cleaned this place out, didn't he? Mind if I keep the mini fridge?"

\--

Five nights later, Nadja still hadn't seen Nandor outside of his crypt. She wasn't even sure if he'd fed since before Guillermo's departure.

After the first four nights, even Colin had agreed to forgo his feeding off of Nandor's grief and try to cheer him up a little. By then his head was already starting to swell again, but when Nadja checked in the next night, she found him in dire straits.

"How...are you doing, Colin Robinson?" she asked, lip curling involuntarily at the sight of his sunken eyes and emaciated frame, propped up against the unpenetrated fortress of Nandor's door.

"Just hanging out here. How does it look like I'm doing?" Colin rasped. "We've gotta try something different. The documentary guys are anxious too, they keep texting me." He pulled himself shakily to his feet. "What did you and Laszlo used to do with Nandor when he got this upset? I know it's been awhile since you three...you know," he waved his hand vaguely.

Nadja frowned. How long had it been? In the old days, they had occasionally brought Nandor to bookshops when he was particularly distressed. The silly donkey had always enjoyed browsing musty old volumes. Nadja had never liked those excursions much herself. All that paper - who knew which parchments might have a witch's curse on them?

"All right, I have an idea," she said. "Laszlo and I will take care of him tonight." She paused, then added, "...thank you, Colin Robinson."

Colin retched in response. "Don't _thank_ me," he grumbled. "I have to go." He stumbled down the hallway toward the front door, muttering.

Laszlo sauntered in from the other side of the hall. "How is the old boy, my darkest darling?"

"Not good, my darkest darling." Nadja pursed her lips. "I think we'll have to take him to a bookshop."

"That bad, is it?" Laszlo said, shaking his head. "Well, whatever you think is best."

Nadja rapped on Nandor's door. "Nandor?" she called cautiously. "How are you feeling?" The only reply was a low moan. "Forget it, I'm coming in." Stepping back, she thrust her arms out at the door until it creaked open.

Nandor's crypt was not in as poor a state as she was expecting, based on the crashing she'd heard the night Guillermo left. The chaise was overturned in the corner and several swords and paintings were strewn haphazardly across the floor, but other than that, the room looked the same as usual. Nandor lay in his open coffin, staring at the ceiling, still dressed in the same clothes he'd been wearing five nights previously.

Striding forward purposefully, Nadja reached into Nandor's coffin to grip his shoulders and haul him into a sitting position. Nandor limply allowed her to manhandle him, but his voice was mildly annoyed when he asked, "What are you doing, Nadja?"

Nadja jabbed her finger into his chest. "We are taking you to a bookshop, before you melt into a big useless puddle of mush because your stupid little Gizmo decided to run away." Seeing his eyes darken, she quickly added, "Your stupid little Guillermo, that is."

Nandor pouted, relenting, and Nadja continued in a calmer tone. "Remember Steve's Used Books? We haven't been there in decades. How about we go and see how it's doing, yes? Take your mind off things."

After a moment's consideration, Nandor nodded. "I suppose it could not hurt."

\--

A howl of despair calls Nadja abruptly back to the present. Running over to the source of the dreadful noise, she finds Nandor in the crafts section of the bookstore, once again collapsed on the floor, his curtain of black hair draped dramatically around his bowed head.

Drawing near, Nadja notices that Nandor is cradling a pink book in his arms. She can't see his downturned face, but the shaking of his broad shoulders makes it clear that he is crying, even before the fat teardrops splatter onto the cover. Leaning forward, she makes out the title: _Glitter! A Celebration of Sparkle_.

"Nandor?" she says and, a second later, nearly topples to the floor when Nandor drops the book and dives onto her leg, clinging tightly to her dress. She kicks her leg halfheartedly, trying to dislodge him, but Nandor ignores her.

"I made him a portrait! From glitter!" he sniffs, gazing up at her, pale cheeks and dark beard shining with tears. "For the two - I mean, ten - year anniversary of his service. I made a portrait of both of us as vampires. I even made him look like his favorite vampire, Armor from the Interviews with the Vampires." Nadja grimaces - Nandor really did have it bad for the little human.

Someone clears their throat, and Nadja looks up to see Laszlo standing awkwardly at the end of the aisle. They exchange a dismayed look while Nandor continues, brow furrowing in frustration. "I did so many things for him! I gave him human snacks and days off and a brand new beating-off pillow. I even got him a second one from the Wall Market when he lost the first one, fucking guy!"

Nandor pauses, and his face softens back into despondency. "What did I do wrong? Was I too familiar with him?" Laszlo chuckles at that, and Nandor shoots him a glare. "Was I too...intimate with him? Why did he leave?" His eyes turn back to Nadja, seeking something.

Nadja isn't sure what to say. Nandor's arms have loosened, so she kneels down, prying them off her leg. Setting her hand on Nandor's shoulder, she looks into his dejected face. "Why does any familiar leave, Nandor?" she asks. "You know how this works. Most of our familiars die on the job," she gestures to Laszlo, who nods, "and the ones who don't, run away or make a decent meal when they get too impatient."

Nandor shakes his head. "Guillermo is different," he insists. "He is loyal, like a good horse. Maybe not as majestic, but his hair is thick. And he has a nice, round ass." Nadja resists the urge to roll her eyes in his face. "But...did he not care about me after all, Nadja?"

She boggles at him. "Why do you care if he cared about you, Nandor?" she asks. "His job was literally to do whatever you wanted." Nandor wordlessly shakes his head again, and Nadja marvels at how one short, pudgy human has rendered her large, powerful housemate into a helpless little lamb. Perhaps Guillermo had had some power, after all.

There's nothing she can do about Guillermo, but there may be something she can do for Nandor.

Nadja shifts forward, winding the hand on Nandor's shoulder across his broad back and up into the wilds of his hair, slightly tangled from days without brushing. Nandor stiffens momentarily, but then relaxes into the touch, letting himself lean forward until his face lands in the puffy fabric on Nadja's own shoulder. Over his head, Nadja meets Laszlo's eyes again, beckoning, and Laszlo gives her an acquiescent nod and walks over to them.

Fingers reaching the crown of Nandor's head, Nadja flexes them against Nandor's cool scalp, gently scraping her fingernails through his luxurious mane as she draws her hand back down toward the nape of his neck. Nandor groans, turning his face inward toward Nadja's neck, his beard scratchy against her skin.

As Nadja rakes her fingers back upward, retracing her path again, Laszlo sets one hand on Nandor's shoulder and reaches the other for Nadja's free hand. He grunts in surprise when Nandor unexpectedly wraps his arm around his torso, yanking Laszlo down into a half bear hug so that the three of them are kneeling on the floor in a circle. Laszlo grumbles and shuffles but quickly settles into a comfortable position, one hand clasped with Nadja's on her thigh and the other resting on the curve of Nandor's back.

They are quiet for some time, the silence in the bookstore broken only by the rasp of Nadja's fingers through Nandor's hair and the occasional snuffle from Nandor. At length, even those die down, and they are as still as corpses.

Eventually, Nandor stirs. "I do not know what I will do without him," he whispers. The confession hangs in the air between them.

Nadja has no answer, but she can say what she knows. "We are immortal creatures of the night, Nandor," she replies quietly. "Guillermo may or may not come back, but you'll always have me and Laszlo. And Colin Robinson. You big stupid ox."

She feels Nandor huff against her neck. "Yes, I suppose you are right," he says.

Another minute passes before Nandor straightens, looking between his housemates. "Thank you, Nadja. And also Laszlo. I am feeling a bit better now."

Nadja claps her hands together. "Then let's go home, yes?"

\--

They don't go home right away. On the way out, Nandor's attention is caught by a revolving rack stuffed with animal calendars, and Nadja and Laszlo decide to browse while Nandor picks out his favorites.

In the do-it-yourself section, Nadja finds The Handbook of Doll Repair and Restoration and takes it, reasoning that some familiar could assist with maintenance of her other self's vessel in the future. Laszlo wanders into the rear of the store and emerges with a pornographic picture book, which he "confiscates due to clear plagiarism of one of my earliest, and best, films."

Returning to the entrance, they find Nandor with a stack of calendars - horse, dog, cat, sloth - carefully slipping each into its own paper sleeve. As their shoes crunch over the broken glass of the door, Nandor remembers something and darts back to the front desk. Emerging, he says conspiratorially, "I left a little something for Steve as payment for our books."

Finally, standing together on the doorstep of their house, they exchange a look. The documentary crew has seen a lot of their undead lives, but they will not see this. Nadja reaches up to brush a stray strand of hair out of Nandor's face and pecks Laszlo on the cheek, and they walk inside.

\--

\--

"...Wow," Guillermo says, looking around at Nandor's crypt. He adjusts his bloodstained trench coat over his arm and picks up a photo of a horse. "This is cute, Mas- Nandor. Where did you get all these calendars?"

Nandor frowns, casting a glance over his shoulder at the pictures plastered on every wall of his crypt. "How do you know they are calendars, Guillermo?"

Guillermo points to the hole at the top of the page. "All calendars have these. Why did you rip them apart?"

"I did not rip them, Guillermo!" Nandor says indignantly. "I merely separated the pages so I would not have to look at all those meaningless lines." He points to a sloth taped to the wall nearby. "That one is you."

Guillermo looks at the sloth, hanging upside down from a tree with its head cocked. He sighs and pinches his nose, flinching when he realizes his fingers are still covered in vampire blood. "Is this really what you want to talk about, Nandor?"

"I- you are the one who brought up the calendars!" Nandor blusters.

Out in the hallway, Nadja rolls her eyes. _Already at it again._ Smirking to herself, she goes to find Laszlo. Surviving the vampiric council calls for some celebratory sex.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Exchangional!! I hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
